Transcendentally Stupid Movie Censorship

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5

Some Movies Are Released In Gay And Non-Gay Versions

A Very Cool Christmas (2004) is a Lifetime movie about a self-involved teenager who learns a magical lesson with help from Santa, her dad, and her mom. Too Cool For Christmas (2004), on the other hand, is about a self-involved teenager who learns a magical lesson with help from Santa, her dad, and her other dad. Who ripped off who? No one. It’s the exact same movie, which exists in “gay” and “straight” versions, like a quantum physics representation of dad #1’s bisexuality.

A more interesting twist would have been to make dad #2 Santa.Regent EntertainmentA more interesting twist would have been to make dad #2 Santa.


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The director originally pitched the version with the two dads to Lifetime, who liked the idea but apparently thought their audience (90% grandparents who can’t figure out how to change the channel) would be terrified by the concept of gay people existing in a movie without God coming down and smiting them at the end. But, the Lifetime execs were generous enough to let him make an alternate version retaining the gay characters and sell it to some less bigoted channel. That’s how the crew ended up shooting two versions of every scene where the protagonist’s parents show up, meaning that every time the mother is on camera, dad #2 is standing outside of frame, waiting for his turn.


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The same director did the same thing again with a sci-fi movie called Deadly Skies, starring Antonio Sabato Jr., an actor best known for comparing being a Trump supporter in Hollywood to being Jewish during the Holocaust. Deadly Skies features two male astronomers/lovers trying to stop an asteroid from hitting Earth by shooting it with a giant laser, but the director also sold it as Force Of Impact, where the astronomers aren’t horny for each other. This is pretty convenient for Sabato Jr., who can still show his friends the straight version after disavowing the gay one while running for Congress for the GOP.

In the straight version, they're just playing table tennis under the covers.Genius EntertainmentIn the straight version, they’re just playing table tennis under the covers.


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And there’s yet another movie where this happens: Tides Of War a.k.a. USS Poseidon a.k.a. Phantom Below, a submarine drama starring Highlander‘s Adrian Paul. In one version he loses his boyfriend in a submarine fight, while in the other it was just a good buddy. Given that the movie has three names, we’re assuming there’s a third version where the characters still have sex with each other but say “it’s just submarine rules” afterwards, so it doesn’t totally count.

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Pulp Fiction‘s Lebanese Distributor Re-Edited It To Be In Chronological Order

Since no one in the Cracked staff was a Tarantino fan living in Lebanon in the ’90s, we can’t be 100% certain that this story happened, but all the best QT stories have an air of implausibility about them anyway. When Pulp Fiction came out in 1994, it was instantly praised by critics everywhere due to 1) John Travolta’s sweet dance moves, and 2) its innovative non-linear storytelling. Except in Lebanon. Lebanon didn’t care for that shit.

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